You know how some people have buyer's remorse? I think I am suffering something similar.
Fornication Remorse.
Well, not so much remorse as it is the realization that those two minutes in the bathroom weren't really worth it.
And to see how easily The Captain cheated on his girlfriend? The one he calls Princess, tells her he loves her and doesn't "allow" her to hang out with her guy friends? Yeah. Super easy.
He didn't even bat an eyelash when he was undoing his belt. Granted, being as morally bankrupt as I apparently am, I didn't bat an eyelash either.
Can I blame that on lonliness? Cause I cannot think of any other reason that I feel no guilt really for being with him while he has a girlfriend.
But then again, after a decade with him, I guess I am slowly realizing...no, I take that back. I have always known even when I didn't admit it. That I have always been his second. I have never been his "main lady". Never his real girlfriend. Always the side chick. The Mistress.
It gets old. And depressing to be honest.
You know what's crazy though? Even though I saw how easily he cheated on her, how he flat out said to me "it's none of her business what I do." there is still a part of me that is raging with jealousy. Freaking raging.
I hate it. It doesn't make sense.
It makes me question my own sanity.
Is it the sense that the grass is always greener? Cause honestly, the grass on his side, no matter what side, is always dead.
The only thing I can think of is that when you are the side action for so long, but told that you are so terribly important and so terribly loved, that your mind and heart get screwed up.
Hell, maybe it's Munchausen. Maybe he is my devil and I have learned to "love" my captor. His words are my captor. He tells me exactly what I want to hear.
Damn it. I have begun to relate to my abductor.
Fucker.
I have read that to really appreciate a good guy, you have to have had experiences with some really shitty ones.
Does that mean that I will literally start floating away and turn to fairy dust when I finally find my "good one"?
That would be kind of awesome.
Heh...I was on my computer the other day on Pinterest. There is one pin on there that says
"There are three men in a woman's life.
The one you love with all your heart.
The one you hate with all your heart.
And the one that you can't live without in your life.
You know it's love when you find the man that is all three."
And do you know what Captain said to me when he was looking over my shoulder at that?
"Wow. That's crazy. That sounds like me in your life."
Yeah.
Can you see why Captain Douche Baggery is such a gd appropriate name?
I do love The Captain. I do. But I think I fooled myself for so long that it was me being IN LOVE with him. I believe it's actually more being "comfortable" with him.
Although, being around him is like walking on eggshells.
But he loves to tell you how fabulous he is. It's just delightful.
When him and I hooked up in the bathroom the other day, I felt like I was in an episode of Sex and the City. Like one where Samantha would have thought she was going to "get it good" with an ex that normally had really great sex. And instead, she would end up in a dark bathroom, jeans around her ankles and end up getting plowed before there was even any foreplay. Which just feels AWESOME. Yeah. Right. Oh, and then it's all soooooo worth it when it's a whopping two minutes worth.
A couple of grunts. Sexy.
I have always wanted to make two minutes worth of love in your kids' mom's bathroom while you sound like a rabid platypus.
I imagine that is what one would sound like at least.
Or maybe it was an otter mating call.
I should record it and see what animals I can attract to the sound.
Either way, that is all I am getting right now. I am sure I could find some random dude at a country bar near where I live. I mean, for a one night stand, you don't need a man with teeth. Or that has more hair on his head than on his back. Or one that smells like he has showered. Ever.
Maybe my standards are too high?
Or maybe the fact that I wear a huge diamond ring on my left ring finger has anything to do with it? No, honestly. I wear a 2 carat diamond ring on my finger.
It was passed down to me and for some reason I felt it necessary to wear it on that finger.
Because nothing screams one night stand or love me forever than some fat ice on a girls ring finger.
I was at the gym last night doing some cardio. They have the majority of the cardio machines on the second floor, overlooking the weights, etc.
And being that I love to people watch (ie quietly stalk and judge you) - prime spot!
There are some terribly interesting people in Spandex. Some of my favorites to watch though are the super buff dudes who grunt and scream with each lift of the weight.
When I see them with their big ol' veins a poppin out of their arms, necks, foreheads, eyelids...I wonder about the size of their balls.
Yes, their balls.
I saw this porn one time several years ago with a bunch of friends, and I will honestly never forget it. This guy, quite attractive actually as far as porn guys go - and he was just laying into this dirty looking broad. Yum.
However, something just looked strange. I immidiately thought that maybe my lack of sex or I was too drunk. Off of Zima. Shut up.
But no. It wasn't that. I realized that the guy had a mighty long and strong going on, but he had NO.Balls. None.
He would have looked less strange if he had strapped on a pair of Truck Nuts.
Honest to God, seeing a ball less man in a porno where they get up close and personal was the most disturbing thing ever.
And the whole group of us seemed to realize his plight at the same time. And there wasn't a lot of laughing or pointing. We all sat there, heads slightly cocked (heh) to the right, staring intently at his crotchal region.
Hm.
So anyways, that's what I think when I see some of those big muscular guys at the gym.
Yes, I see big hunky muscular men lifting weights at the gym and think of a porno with a guy in it that would have been more attractive wearing Truck Nuts.
Honestly, no wonder I am so screwed up.
