Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Sexual Bucket List

I was dinking around online, and found this on The Stir by Cafemom.  I figured I would see if there were things I could cross off, things I have no desire to cross off, and OF COURSE things that are a must! 

Ninety percent of these can be done in the context of a loving, safe marriage (like mine). The rest, alas, I will have to leave to the single gals among us. But here is a list of 50 sexual must-dos before you die.

  1. Kiss a girl
  2. Have anal
  3. Have a threesome
  4. Engage in group sex
  5. Have phone sex
  6. Masturbate
  7. Use a vibrator
  8. Use a sex toy on someone else
  9. Be tied up
  10. Tie someone up
  11. Have sex in a public space
  12. Be a voyeur and watch others having sex (live, porn does not count)
  13. Sex in a car
  14. Sex at a drive-in
  15. Mile-high club
  16. Sex with a stranger
  17. One-night stand
  18. Married sex (the best kind, in my opinion)
  19. Sex on a boat
  20. Sex in a body of water
  21. Light spanking
  22. Read erotica
  23. Play strip poker/Monopoly/card game
  24. Sex in the shower
  25. Sex standing up against a wall
  26. Sex with no kissing
  27. Sex in the pitch black
  28. Sex in the broad daylight
  29. Making out with no sex long after you're no longer a virgin
  30. Sex in a tent in the wilderness
  31. Watch porn together
  32. Watch porn alone
  33. Learn to give yourself multiple orgasms
  34. Sex on the beach
  35. Blindfolds
  36. Using ice sexually
  37. Sexual role play
  38. Whipped cream
  39. La Perla lingerie sex
  40. Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie sex
  41. Sex with someone much older
  42. Sex with someone younger (legal!)
  43. Sex in a foreign country, possibly with a foreigner
  44. A quickie in a skirt
  45. A longie in the rain
  46. Sex in the ocean while people swim all around you
  47. Feather ticklers
  48. Sex while "altered" whether by alcohol or something else
  49. Learn to orgasm in less than five minutes from intercourse alone
  50. Silent sex in a full house

How many have you done? And what's on your bucket list?

Monday, December 26, 2011

Seriously Effed?

I am in need of some sleep - but thought I would just put something out there for me to ponder later...

I was asked out on a date - over Facebook...by a guy that I haven't seen since High School. 

I thought about it all day - and I could come up with no legitimate reason to say no. 

My thing is - Am I saying yes because I have nothing better to do and I have lost my ability to be "choosy" who I give my time to?

Or am I seriously so screwed up from the Captain that I will try to sabotage any single ounce of happiness I could ever have in a relationship?

And why is the first question that went through my head when I saw his note "Hm, wonder if he realizes I am this fat?"

I said yes to him.  With a disclaimer to him.  That I am not sure we have a whole heck of a lot in common AND that I am not "available" for over a week - lots to do...(I guess thinking is a lot to do?)

Anyways...Eff me.  I am not good with this shit.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Truck Nuts are sexy

You know how some people have buyer's remorse?  I think I am suffering something similar. 

Fornication Remorse.

Well, not so much remorse as it is the realization that those two minutes in the bathroom weren't really worth it. 

And to see how easily The Captain cheated on his girlfriend?  The one he calls Princess, tells her he loves her and doesn't "allow" her to hang out with her guy friends?  Yeah.  Super easy.

He didn't even bat an eyelash when he was undoing his belt.  Granted, being as morally bankrupt as I apparently am, I didn't bat an eyelash either. 

Can I blame that on lonliness?  Cause I cannot think of any other reason that I feel no guilt really for being with him while he has a girlfriend.

But then again, after a decade with him, I guess I am slowly realizing...no, I take that back.  I have always known even when I didn't admit it.  That I have always been his second.  I have never been his "main lady".  Never his real girlfriend.  Always the side chick.  The Mistress.

It gets old.  And depressing to be honest.

You know what's crazy though?  Even though I saw how easily he cheated on her, how he flat out said to me "it's none of her business what I do." there is still a part of me that is raging with jealousy.  Freaking raging.

I hate it.  It doesn't make sense. 

It makes me question my own sanity.

Is it the sense that the grass is always greener?  Cause honestly, the grass on his side, no matter what side, is always dead. 

The only thing I can think of is that when you are the side action for so long, but told that you are so terribly important and so terribly loved, that your mind and heart get screwed up.

Hell, maybe it's Munchausen.  Maybe he is my devil and I have learned to "love" my captor.  His words are my captor.  He tells me exactly what I want to hear. 

Damn it.  I have begun to relate to my abductor. 

Fucker.

I have read that to really appreciate a good guy, you have to have had experiences with some really shitty ones. 

Does that mean that I will literally start floating away and turn to fairy dust when I finally find my "good one"?

That would be kind of awesome.

Heh...I was on my computer the other day on Pinterest.  There is one pin on there that says
"There are three men in a woman's life.
The one you love with all your heart.
The one you hate with all your heart.
And the one that you can't live without in your life.
You know it's love when you find the man that is all three."

And do you know what Captain said to me when he was looking over my shoulder at that?
"Wow.  That's crazy.  That sounds like me in your life."

Yeah. 

Can you see why Captain Douche Baggery is such a gd appropriate name?

I do love The Captain.  I do.  But I think I fooled myself for so long that it was me being IN LOVE with him.  I believe it's actually more being "comfortable" with him. 

Although, being around him is like walking on eggshells. 

But he loves to tell you how fabulous he is.  It's just delightful.

When him and I hooked up in the bathroom the other day, I felt like I was in an episode of Sex and the City.  Like one where Samantha would have thought she was going to "get it good" with an ex that normally had really great sex.  And instead, she would end up in a dark bathroom, jeans around her ankles and end up getting plowed before there was even any foreplay.  Which just feels AWESOME.  Yeah.  Right.  Oh, and then it's all soooooo worth it when it's a whopping two minutes worth. 

A couple of grunts.  Sexy. 

I have always wanted to make two minutes worth of love in your kids' mom's bathroom while you sound like a rabid platypus.

I imagine that is what one would sound like at least.

Or maybe it was an otter mating call.

I should record it and see what animals I can attract to the sound.

Either way, that is all I am getting right now.  I am sure I could find some random dude at a country bar near where I live.  I mean, for a one night stand, you don't need a man with teeth.  Or that has more hair on his head than on his back.  Or one that smells like he has showered.  Ever.

Maybe my standards are too high?

Or maybe the fact that I wear a huge diamond ring on my left ring finger has anything to do with it?  No, honestly.  I wear a 2 carat diamond ring on my finger. 

It was passed down to me and for some reason I felt it necessary to wear it on that finger. 

Because nothing screams one night stand or love me forever than some fat ice on a girls ring finger.


I was at the gym last night doing some cardio.  They have the majority of the cardio machines on the second floor, overlooking the weights, etc. 

And being that I love to people watch (ie quietly stalk and judge you) - prime spot!

There are some terribly interesting people in Spandex.  Some of my favorites to watch though are the super buff dudes who grunt and scream with each lift of the weight. 

When I see them with their big ol' veins a poppin out of their arms, necks, foreheads, eyelids...I wonder about the size of their balls. 

Yes, their balls. 

I saw this porn one time several years ago with a bunch of friends, and I will honestly never forget it.  This guy, quite attractive actually as far as porn guys go - and he was just laying into this dirty looking broad.  Yum.

However, something just looked strange.  I immidiately thought that maybe my lack of sex or I was too drunk.  Off of Zima.  Shut up.

But no.  It wasn't that.  I realized that the guy had a mighty long and strong going on, but he had NO.Balls.  None.

He would have looked less strange if he had strapped on a pair of Truck Nuts.

Honest to God, seeing a ball less man in a porno where they get up close and personal was the most disturbing thing ever.

And the whole group of us seemed to realize his plight at the same time.  And there wasn't a lot of laughing or pointing.  We all sat there, heads slightly cocked (heh) to the right, staring intently at his crotchal region.

Hm.

So anyways, that's what I think when I see some of those big muscular guys at the gym.

Yes, I see big hunky muscular men lifting weights at the gym and think of a porno with a guy in it that would have been more attractive wearing Truck Nuts.

Honestly, no wonder I am so screwed up.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Phucket Bucket List

I need a place to keep track of these as I think of them....

1.  Get a smokin' hot body.
2.  Enjoy said body.
3.  Recognize a good guy when he comes along.
4.  Contemplate becoming a mom.
5.  Wear knee high boots with cute boot socks.  With shorts or a skirt. 
6.  Feel sexy when standing in bra and panties.
7.  Hacienda or similar.
8.  Actually start fixing up furniture like I keep saying I will. Buy and sell.  Refurbish.
9.  Learn to play an acoustic guitar.
10.  Flirt.  And feel confident with it.
11.  Accept a compliment and feel awesome about it. Not question it.
12.  Get off the Captain DB bandwagon. 
13.  Go to clubs again and enjoy the attention.
14.  Learn to salsa dance.
15.  Enjoy the gym.
14. 
15.
16.

Step 1

Starting somewhere.  I guess making this blog was a start...but it's just an empty space without my words in it. 

Well, my name is Riane.  Well, for all intents and purposes on this blog, it's Riane.  I am a single (currently) early 30's woman.  Chick.  Broad.  Lady.  Beeyotch.

Whatever you want to call me.

I am on this "journey" (sounds so effing lame) in life right now.  In my teens, I was not really shy, but I hid behind the "clique" I had.  My early 20's were going out, drinking, partying and trying to  figure out my body, my relationships and wth I was doing.

I did not "age gracefully".  When I turned the Dirty Thirty - I all but hid from it.  I did not do it with any kind of grace or class.  It was lame.  And I regret it. 

I have this "thing" right now...no, not the "thing" where I use "air quotes" for everything.  Ok, well apparently that's my thing too.  Shut up. 

No, my current journey is trying to take back my life. 

That includes losing about another large amount of weight.  I have already lost about 47 lbs in the last several months.  But I have a lot I still want to lose. 

And it also includes figuring out this effed up thing I have going with my (not really) ex boyfriend because "he can't really be a boyfriend to begin with if he never fully commited to you and slept with every open set of legs he could get his dick in for the last decade."

Yes, the last decade plus some.  I have been having the same.fucking.drama with the same dude for that long.  I was 19 when I met him.  Hmmm....I guess I should name him.  He obviously has to be called something when I talk about him.  I won't "out" him on here.  Well, I will.  But annonymously.

He who Shant be named will from here on out be called - Captain Douche Baggery.  I am sure I will have plenty of nicknames for him throughout this blog.  But it will typically be The Captain.  Or something similar.  Douche.

Anywho, there have been a few boys, guys, men...whatever...that have peppred in throughout the time I had with The Captain.  And all's fair in love and war...he cheated on me.  A lot.  But I will have this entire blog to air that all out. 

There were a couple of guys that were fun.  There were a couple that I don't "count" on my list.  

And there was the "one that got away."  Yep, I had one of them.  I had a great guy who was kind, sweet, affectionate and adorable.  And I left him to head right on back to the Capt. 

The one that got away will be known as Jewel.  Fitting in So many ways.  Jewel knew I was still seeing The Captain on the side.  He tried so hard to get me to see that he was the better man. 

I was so blind.

A little about the Captain - he has two kids.  Two wonderful, fabulous and beautiful kids.  Granted, one I found out about two weeks before she was born.  But I digress...to another blog post at another time.

The Captain is in his early 30's as well.  He is tall, slender, tattooed and has great abs and a GREAT V...c'mon, you know the part I mean.  The V that is from the hip bones down.  It is an amazing V....

And The Captain does not have the ability to be actually and truly happy.  It is amazing...he can literally find SHIT in a rainbow.  Talent, that one has it. 

Oh, and I met the Captain right after my friend served him with a restraining order for B&E.  Yep, I broke the Bro Code (is there a girls version??) by dating her ex AND he had a rap sheet. 

Awesomesauce.

Let's see.  I am now friends/frenemies/acquaintances/Lord only knows with his kids' mom.  Let's call her Rooty. 

Anyways, Rooty and I haaaaated each other.  He was still supposedly with her while he was supposedly with me.  We shouldn't have hated each other as much.  We should have been using that energy to hate him.  So much wasted.

Well, Rooty and I have come to an impasse I suppose.  She has moved on to another relationship and she has decided that their kids love me, I took good care of The Captain and I truly deep down am a decent person.  I got effed by the lies that Cappy told me. 

So I just spent Friday night and all day today house/dog and kid sitting for her.  At her house.  In her bedroom. 

I had So much fun with the kids.  Tremendous huge amounts!  We played hide and seek, we watched tv, played video games and all snuggled up in the bed. 

And then The Captain got home from work this morning.  I ended up hanging out with him and the kids on and off all day.  (he works nights, so he slept and I watered and fed the kids, etc)  He woke up, we went to get dinner.

We helped with homework.

We chatted.  About his girlfriend. 

He walked me out to my car to say goodnight and thank you.

And then we promptly went back into the house and had a quickie in the bathroom. 

The Captain and I are Fucked. Up. 

I wonder how many steps are in Dirty Laundry Annonymous?